You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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