It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
