you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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