life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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