He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
