What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
