one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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