I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
