Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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