Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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