You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
