who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
