Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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