Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
