anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
