I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize