So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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