the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
