Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
