I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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