Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
