Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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