I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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