Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
