wrigley field is MILF paradise
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
