I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
