she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
