i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Dignity is for republicans.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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