She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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