do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
