Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
