im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
