my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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