just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
