They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
