I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
