i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I enjoy the company of your penis
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