I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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