I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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