I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
