its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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