I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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