living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
