I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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