yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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