the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
