Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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