No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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