I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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