this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
