apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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