This is not my ceiling
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
