just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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