Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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