your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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