I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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