I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
