if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
