This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
