she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
