I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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