I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
