My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
