She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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