i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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