It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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