how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
