My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize