i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
