I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
