I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
